


Habits

by abluta



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Episode Related, Friendship, Gen, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-17
Updated: 2014-08-17
Packaged: 2018-02-13 14:37:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2154270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abluta/pseuds/abluta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ezri goes to talk to Kira after the events in Field of Fire.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Habits

**Author's Note:**

  * For [KiranInBlue](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KiranInBlue/gifts).



"I could come back later."

Kira blinks at you, clearly not quite awake yet. "Ezri," she says, as if she's reminding herself who you are. Or maybe just to give herself some time to think. After a moment, she smiles. "Now's fine. Come on in." 

You step in, staying close to the door in case you need to make a quick exit. She looks exhausted, and if it were any other day, you'd probably put on your counselor pants and tell her to get herself back to bed right away. Your counselor pants are back in your quarters, though. You don't have wherewithal for them right now.

Kira goes straight for her replicator to get a raktajino. After she's had a few sips, she takes a deep breath and motions for you to come sit down with her. Which means moving away from the door. Not something you particularly want to do, but you force yourself. 

You don't mean to, but you're babbling before you even sit down. "Do you think they did the right thing? About me? Odo and Benja-- Captain Sisko, I mean. I feel like I should call him that instead of Benjamin, but I'm not sure. It doesn't seem to bother him, but I don't think I've earned it. It's just a habit I can't--" 

Kira puts her hand over yours. It's still warm from her cup of raktajino. "Slow down. I haven't had enough caffeine to follow all of that yet."

"Of course. I'm sorry." You take a deep breath and start over. "Okay. Do you think Odo and... Captain Sisko did the right thing?" You press your lips together to stop yourself from continuing.

"You mean calling it self-defense."

You nod. "If I hadn't hunted him down, he wouldn't have been trying to shoot me, so is that really self-defense?"

"If you hadn't hunted him down, he would've killed more people. You know that. That's not really what you want to ask me."

You stare at Kira, like you've been caught with your hand in the cookie jar. A human expression. Emony learned it from someone named Leonard McCoy, but there's no time to get lost in that memory just now. It's not even your memory to get lost in. 

"I've never killed anyone," you say. The words seem to just fall out of your mouth before you can catch them. "I mean. I have. I have in battle. Me. Ezri. I've killed people in battle. And I have memories of killing in... more personal ways. For honor or... Or other reasons."

"But this was different," Kira supplies.

You nod, because it's almost like you're not really admitting it if you just nod instead of saying it out loud. "You told Jadzia that when you take someone's life, you lose a part of your own."

Kira draws a deep breath and puts her now empty mug aside to sit up straighter. "I did."

"I've looked to her experiences and Curzon's to try to find... something, but I don't think that they experienced that feeling you were talking about the way that I'm experiencing it. They were so sure of themselves. Curzon always thought he was right, and Jadzia thought everything through. Even when it seemed like she was being impulsive, it was based on things she'd thought about before." You look down at your hands. The hands that held that awful weapon. "Compared to them, I'm just flailing around in the dark, looking for something to hold onto. And this time what I grabbed was the murder weapon of a killer."

"It seemed simple in the moment, but it doesn't seem simple now," Kira says.

You look up at her. "Now, it terrifies me that it seemed so simple."

Kira smiles that sad smiles of hers, and her dark eyes seem to have a depth that even Dax with all its years and all its different lives couldn't fathom. "It has to seem simple in the moment, or you'd never do it." She gathers one of your hands up in hers, and they're still warm even though the raktajino is gone. She looks straight into your eyes. "You're not like Joran."

"I know," you say slowly. And you do know, but there is a sense of relief in hearing someone else say it. "I just can't stop wondering if Norvo is."

Kira furrows her brow. "Your brother?"

"I know how it feels to be a murderer. To _enjoy_ murder. I have memories of how sick Joran's mind was, and I can't seem to just repress them like Curzon and Jadzia did. I don't think I want to, because if I did, they'd be lurking back there, and what if they influenced me, and I didn't know it." You shake your head. You're avoiding the topic again. "But now I can't help but think about Norvo. Did he enjoy what he did? Was he... Was he sick like Joran and I just didn't _notice_. You'd think I would. You'd think, well you've been trained in psychiatry, and you are supposed to understand how the mind works, and now you've even got eight lifetimes of experience to draw from--you didn't have any right not to notice."

"That's not what I'd think."

You can't quite keep the hope from your voice when you say, "It's not?"

"No," She says, and she sounds so confident about her answer, that you feel a little of that confidence yourself. "What I'd think is that your experience with psychiatry is what allows you to deal with Joran's memories in a way that your previous hosts, as sure as they were of themselves, couldn't. Seems pretty damn special to me. And I'd think if someone like you didn't see that kind of sickness in your brother, maybe it's not there. There are a lot of reasons people kill, Ezri. And it's a personal choice every time. You can't take responsibility for someone else's choice, even if he's family."

You feel a wave of emotion so overwhelming that you can't stop your ears from welling up with tears. "He could've been anything, Nerys. When we were growing up, I was in awe of him. He never seemed stuck like Janel or lost like... like I am sometimes. I used to get so frustrated, because it seemed like he could laugh anything off, like nothing was so serious that it could hold him back. But in the end, he was more lost and stuck than either of us. Now, he's not going to be anything."

Kira squeezes your hand. "You don't know that. Prison can make a person stronger. Some of the strongest people I know spent time in prisons a lot worse than any that you'd find on Trill. His life isn't over. Take it from someone who doesn't have any family left; you don't want to give up on him."

"Jadzia always thought of you as a sister. I guess it's like calling Captain Sisko 'Benjamin'--I can't quite shake that old habit either. I mean... I know you haven't known _me_ that long, but..."

Kira pulls you into a hug. "You're right. I do have family. But don't forget that you have family here too."

"I won't. And it's not just an old habit." You hold onto Kira, and you feel her strength like it's your own. You only hope you can do the same for her. "You should get back to sleep."

"Mm." She pulls out of the hug, but stays close to you. "I will. But it's been a long day. I wouldn't mind spending a little more time with a good friend first."

You wipe away what's left of your tears, and you laugh awkwardly. "So... enough about me. What's been going on with you?"


End file.
